So this isn’t the post I had planned for today but this is something I really feel I should say.
Depression and anxiety run in my family and I’ve always struggled with it. It’s never been a serious problem until recently though. With my new job I’ve been so much happier, I have more friends than I’ve ever had and I’m doing things outside of my comfort zone. But today, that little black shadow crept up on me and I couldn’t make him go away. Even while we were laughing at work, after I ran and ran through a couple of my old contemporary routines–he was still there. I took a nice bath, watched some funny TV and drank some tea and still…my chest hurts, I feel icky and well…I’m sad.
Allow me to quote L here, “It’s okay to not be okay”. There will be days when I feel like this because that just how it is. I’ve been medication free for a while now, I only take the occasional pain killer when I need it. I fully support the healthy life style–I do yoga, I’m a vegetarian, I foam roll and I drink loads of water and herbal tea.
I caught myself looking in the mirror, criticizing every tiny little thing about myself. At work I kept screwing up everything, made tiny mistakes that I shouldn’t have made, found it difficult to focus, and kept mentally kicking myself for not being good enough. I felt so inferior to everyone else there, even the new people. I started re reading all of my material, asking questions I knew the answer to and taking notes. This is NOT okay. It is okay to mess up, no one is perfect and the fact that I let that ruin my whole day isn’t okay. I helped a friend out this morning by volunteering to be ‘evaluated’ for her psych class. It was just a test with lots of puzzles, questions, weird visual things and there were so many sections I did so horribly on I couldn’t believe it. Even after she told me that the test is designed to be failed and that I did way better than most people I was still like, ‘no, this is not okay. I can do better!’ And I could have done better had I had something to study but that wasn’t the point of the test.
You should always strive to be better, but you have to accept who you are. Me, I’m a bit ditzy and the brain fog hits me hard around 4/5 p.m.–which was when I made over half those tiny mistakes. It’s hard to live with any chronic illness. There are times when I feel completely alone even though I’m surrounded by all my friends, times when I feel like I’m the only one I can trust when I know my support system is always there for me. Depression is a hard thing to cope with, and there is nothing wrong with medication. I’ve strived to overcome all my spoonie trouble naturally and here lately that hasn’t been as easy as it used to be. I’ve taken a hard hit to my pride realizing that I can’t do some of the things I used to do and that to continue doing other things I’m going to need help.
I’m not where I wanted to be in life, I’m still stuck in the same shabby apartment in a horrible po-dunk town where there is literally NOTHING to do. But my family is here, my friends are here, and my job is here. Lots of this depression anxiety stuff is because I haven’t been able to see my sisters in a while. I used to see them every weekend now I’m lucky to see them a few times a month. My grandpa has been away working, my friends all moved back home–so I am a little more alone than usual but I still have my dad and my other friends.
So when you feel down, just try and remember the good things in life. Remind yourself what your good at, give yourself something to look forward to or just do something nice for yourself. It wont fix the problem but it will get you through to that next sunrise and tomorrow will be a better day.
I love you guys! Thanks so much for letting me ramble. I’ve been a little more blue that normal, and naturally that leaked into my writing so I haven’t done much creative writing in the past month or so, but I’m trying to rectify that! Just keep checking in and I’ll have something fun up soon!