Caution: Sensitive subject, ranting inevitable.
This week has been particularly difficult just mental health wise. Some things happened (not bad things) and I’ve finally decided to move out of my dad’s house this summer. Despite the exciting, life changing decision there’s been a few days with noticeable tension in the air that’s been particularly hard to cope with. I’ve been hibernating in my room instead of going out with Mac or Elsa. I’ve also been working non stop so I’ve been really tired but today I saw something on twitter that made me smile.
It was a hashtag. A spoonie/disabled/chronically ill hashtag and it’s beautiful. All around the world people are tweeting selfies and pictures of their disabled/spoonie/chronic life and fellow spoonies are commenting on how beautiful we are. #disabledandcute I’ve never considered myself disabled. I have one of those parking placards but I never use it because I’m not as bad off as someone with a wheelchair or cane so I park in the normal parking spots so others, who need them, can use them.
Call me stoic, courteous, stupid or whatever you like. On my worst days when I need that placard I don’t leave my bed so that only goes to prove that when people see me out and about they see the healthy me. The me on the outside, primped and polished, make up on point and a wardrobe to die for. (Seriously, don’t mean to brag but I get loads of compliments, even on my lazy days. Forever 21 guys…Forever 21…)
But I’m chronically ill. Chronically ill. I don’t think people get the terminology here. True I may not use a cane or a wheelchair–honestly I don’t think I could use a cane, my wrists cant take that sort of pressure–but I do have limits. This illness will never go away, it’s always there even on my good days lingering in the shadows of my happiness. It creeps up and bites me some times, and other times I’m prepared for when it rears it’s ugly head. I’ve managed to keep out of the hospital so far because I take care of myself but I do struggle every day.
Most days you’d never know I was in pain unless you hugged me too hard. Even on the days I feel like I’m dying, I get up…go to work and deal with it if I can. If I cant my boss sends me home. But he knows I’m trying. I cover up the dark circles left by painsomnia, wear loose slacks to hide the braces on both knees. I bite back the pain and blink away the tears to fool even the most important people in my life. It’s hard…believe me… it’s hard. But I manage, and I know my limits.
Does this make me disabled? I don’t really know. I don’t feel disabled, but maybe just because some days I can’t drive myself to work or open my ginger ale bottle this qualifies me for this prestigious club. I don’t have cute hospital selfies because the one time I was in the hospital I wasn’t thinking about selfies–I couldn’t even sit up. But that was a long time ago. Now, if I need medical attention I call up my doctor and fake it till she can get me in. Sometimes I get admitted for a few hours for an emergency IV bag of fluids or a CT but most of the time she sends me home with a prescription and a promise from my dad to keep an eye on me. She knows how much I despise hospitals, so she agreed to help keep me out. This new internist however is amazing, though since she changed my meds I’ve been ten times better.
So you can imagine how deciding to move out was a big decision? I live with my dad for several reasons, most of them being the fact he had medical experience and he keeps me cheerful. I wont be by myself, Anita–another amazing friend from school–will be my roommate and we will have so much fun playing video games in our nerd apartment. Between the Star War’s bathroom, the Star Trek couch pillows and my hundred and one Harry Potter, Doctor Who, and DC collectibles, we gonna be the talk of the nerd community. I’m currently saving for a new graphics card and a mount for the four piece wall screen 😉 Good bye 180 degree view and hello 4K gaming!!
BTW finished the ME trilogy and I’m officially prepared for Andromeda. Gonna play around with Halo and DA:O until March 21st.
So yea… I wouldn’t say this was a rant really.. but I had a lot to say. I’m working on some creative pieces to post. I know I’ve been slacking and left some series hanging. I apologize. I’ve been writing a crossover with a friend and its been hogging all of my attention.
I love you all.