Like always… It’s been a while.
Mostly because I didn’t know what to write about. And I’ve been so focused on my cosplay builds and my fan fic series that I just never stopped to blog.
But I am now.
So here we go.
I’ve never been one to ask for help. But the past few months, I’ve needed A LOT of it. Emotional support, financial support, help getting in and out of the bath tub (asking sisters for help does not count) and asking for advice. I’ve been so horribly independent since I was little that now asking for help almost feels like I’m failing. Money has always been something my family struggled with and I’ve always been so good at managing what I have, paying all my bills and budgeting for hobbies–like cosplay.
This month however, I just can’t seem to get a break. Between paying for impromptu doctor visits, insurance, and other living expenses I found myself berating myself for not being more responsible. And now I’m flaring more than normal, which is scary because that means my medications aren’t working any more. It’s bad enough I had to give dance and all my other active hobbies. Now my ability to work is being threatened. I moved to get out from under my family. They’ve helped me so much in the past, without me asking for it and I told myself I needed to do this on my own. But my financial status is stressing Anita out now as well. And it’s not fair to her.
It all comes down to my day job. I love where I work and what I do. And since I’m used to working 2-3 jobs I just assumed I’d find a side job to work around my schedule. But that has not been the case. And I’m now forced to make the decision to either leave, or cut my hours and take a second job that may be too physically demanding. I don’t make much off my cosplay stuff right now. I don’t have the follower base to be a brand ambassador just yet. I don’t even have a proper web cam to stream for twitch properly. If I take a second job that will take away the time I spend gaming and costuming. I’ll be too tired to commit time to my passion. And for my health reasons I can’t skimp on what little sleep I do get.
Suddenly, my life goals and dreams are crumbling right before my eyes. Hopes of making it to Phoenix Comic Con and the Star Trek convention are fading. Those were marketing opportunities–not going could be just as harmful as risking it all and going. If I stop cosplaying and gaming all together I’ll be miserable.
What. Was. I. Going. To. Do?
First off. I need to speak to my boss. With it being a holiday weekend, that can’t happen till Monday. Then I need to reschedule appointments. Search the job market. Talk to my doctor on the phone about treatment options. It’s going to work out. I told myself
I found several job postings for over night sedentary opportunities. Full time jobs that I qualify for should I decide to leave my current position all together. I’m still a barista at heart, so there’s always a Starbucks hiring. I have options. I just don’t want to change my primary work schedule. But, I have to learn to stick up for myself more. It’s one thing to defend a friend or walk away when you know something isn’t right for you. But to leave a place your happy with or even ask for fewer hours or different shifts… I feel like I’d be a disappointment.
Yes, yes. That’s my anxiety talking. But that doesn’t make it any easier to make a decision.
My dad told me I hadn’t been ready to move out. And maybe he was right. But I had to take that first step. I knew it was going to be hard. I just hadn’t been expecting to feel like such a failure. I’m not just failing my employer, I’m failing my roommate. My person. I talk to her about everything and now I feel like she low key resents me for not being more responsible.
My fatal flaw: I’m too fucking loyal.
This company raised me. They taught me what it meant to be a good worker. They introduced me to the corporate world. Sure, I’m in retail. But I spend a good three months at their corporate office in my home town getting them caught up on paper work. I learned so much about what it meant to run a company. How even the little positions matter and how important it was to be committed to a cause. How can I just up and quit?
I know what your thinking: Kat, ask for a raise. Or Kat, ask for a promotion! But that’s not how this company works. Getting promoted means getting my own store. And as much as I love this company, I have no intentions of being in retail forever. I’m not even qualified to be assistant manager. That requires a completely different set of skills that I just don’t have. I’m the community outreach director. I run our stores social media page. I go out and talk to new foster agencies, coordinate events, keep customers informed. I close the store as well most nights too as I am the on duty manager when my boss isn’t there. But the only opportunity for advancement is back at the corporate office and Scottsdale is just not where I wanna be right now. Maybe one day. But not right now. I’m happy here, in DFW.
So. You see my dilemma?
Things will work out. I’m not anything if not optimistic. I’m that person who will have her cake and eat it too, if its the last thing I do.
I’ll try and keep you all updated on my progress. I still plan on uploading WIP’s and walk troughs for my current projects. Once I get my RA back under control I’m sure I’ll deal with all of this in a professional, adult, graceful manner. For now, I’m binge eating chips-ahoy cookies and watching Fairy Tail [again] so that I might have an excuse to be a blubbery mess.
See you guys at Dallas Fan Expo next weekend!!!