I’m not going to lie, this week has been hard. I wasn’t expecting finally moving out to be easy, and I’m writing this as a testament to myself. Things will get better, in fact they already have. And I’m thoroughly convinced that the small breakdown I had on Wednesday was a result of poor sleep, stress and an overload of anxiety. Aside for normal human anxieties such as work, money, social life things, I have other anxieties. Insurance, medical bills, doctors, new symptoms.
When I was sixteen, I had a short but severe scare thanks to a rare strand of meningitis. I’m fairy certain I’ve spoke about it before, but it was that week at church camp that changed my entire life. Since then, I’ve been lethargic, randomly depressed, had limited mobility and horrible tummy issues. Recently I’ve begun to feel that way again and it’s started impacting my cosplays. I’m too tired to think so there’s no way in hell that I could concentrate on sewing or crafting, I’d sew a finger or botch a breastplate, better not to risk it. I’ve had severe headaches, not migraines, but pressure headaches that form at the base of my neck and make it hard to move my head. Just like when I was fifteen. Some things happened in my familial life, and my insurance is liable to be dropped–no big, I can get insurance no prob–but seeing as I just moved and my doctors are three hours away now, I feel a bit stranded.
There’s no confirmation I’ll loose insurance, but I’m worried out it mostly because my medication is very expensive and policies with pharmaceutical coverage are hella expensive. I’m 24 so I can’t rely on my parents to help me find a policy and because of the whole chronic illness thing, young adult policies don’t offer enough coverage. So, lots of things to consider so I’ve been trying to cope with these new symptoms on my own. My coworkers don’t really understand, so it makes it hard at work when I don’t feel well. Nothing new really, but I have been looking for other work that is easier on me mentally, not just physically.
I want so much to spend my free time doing make up tests and ribbon piping blazers for Japanese school girl looks. I have photographers wanting to work together, hot props on the way and opportunities for paid twitch sponsorship. And what do I do with my free time? Replay Mass Effect and binge watch old television. Seriously, this very moment I’m writing to you from my battle/workstation and I’m watching Castle on my second screen.
I have plans for these fun original make up looks inspired my my coveted dream wardrobe, but here I am: Saturday morning–instead of sleeping in or working on cosplay, I started at season one, episode one. I wrote a book, I should be editing, looking for agents, drawing cosplay designs, ANYTHING. But no, my fragile psyche only wants to binge watch and ignore my problems. They’re not really problems, but seeing as I’m ignoring them–that is a problem.
I’ve got a ton of fun things planned in the next few weeks, so I’m hoping I feel better by then. I look forward to sharing all those fun things with you guys! Thanks to tea and my wonderful roomie, I should be back to my old self in no time. Have no fear, I don’t plan to stop writing or stop cosplaying, it just may take me some time to get back to work. Still adjusting to my work schedule and the people there. It’s the same company, but each location is run so differently I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. But that’s probably just my anxiety talking. Blogging about these things not only helps me cope, but it also brings awareness to these things. I can’t tell you how many times people tell me how much the appreciate me talking about my illnesses.
So many people don’t know about Chronic Illness, and so many others know about them, but don’t know about them. They don’t see how it affects the people who suffer, how hard every day life is. I’m lucky to be where I am in my illness journey, relatively healthy, active, able to work and symptoms manages pretty well. Others struggle more than me, roommate included. But I want other’s to know there’s a light some where down their tunnel of life. Somewhere, even if it’s not total relief–someone somewhere understands. That person is me.
Feel free to comment, email me, or even message me on social media. My accounts are listed somewhere on here LOL. I’m seriously thinking about dedicating a day each month to send out encouraging messages to those who need it. If you’d like one, let me know. Things to make me smile, and also those who need some love and encouragement.
I love you guys, so very much.